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Title: You Don't Know What It's Been Like.
Author: rolleson
Fandom: Stargate SG-1
Rating: NC-17/Adult/18
Pairing: Sam/Other, a little Sam/Pete
Spoilers: Season Nine on
Warnings: Sex, smut, slight angst.
Prompt: #42 Reletionships for smut_69
Notes: The title is from the Stereophonics, Superman.



She couldn’t form normal relationships. She knew that, so she didn’t even know why she was trying, why she was bothering.

It was probably the sex.

She had learnt her lesson with Pete. A hard one and she had considered a number of men before and after him beyond the initial dinner/fuck but had never actually done anything about any of them. She still wasn’t sure why she had accepted a second date with Andy, let alone a second month but she had and now they were in her bed, three months in, and she knew it wasn’t working.

Even if he was all over her, on top of her, inside her.

She had sensed the start of the tension, those first impatient huffs, the longer pauses as she rattled off another excuse. Another lie to explain why she wouldn’t be over, why she was cancelling another date.

She had cancelled more dates than they had been on.

One night stands were all very good and well, she enjoyed them more often than not, as long as the sex was good but it was better after she’d been with someone for a little while. It certainly was tonight, that first night with Andy was good but awkward and over all too soon. Tonight, tonight was so much better and he was worth hanging onto if only for the feel of his lips on her neck and his fingers inside her. If only for the way he made her squirm and her back arch and that little chocking squeak that she hadn’t made since Jonas Hanson showed her his ‘finger trick’. He’d figured out her body quickly but his frustration with her work was showing quickly too.

He couldn’t understand and he wouldn’t. He was nine to five, suit, bank job. Sam was BDU’s and five to nine sometime the week after.

She could feel something coming. He hadn’t said anything and he had been happy with her answers (or lack of) about her work so far. Probably because it was all so new but three months in and he was viewing it all a little differently.

He couldn’t understand.

Most people outside of the mountain couldn’t understand.

He would never understand why she couldn’t tell him about most of her scars and why she didn’t even have to words to talk about some of them anyway. Why she had a child’s nightlight hidden under her bed, which was rarely used but she did use it. She could never tell him how, on those rare nights, she did need the nightlight, the dark reminded her of the overwhelming black that death had brought her once too often. She couldn’t tell him and he wouldn’t understand even if she did.

She could’ve told Pete, considered once or twice but didn’t bother because even if both men had faced the barrel of the gun in one too many bank robberies, it still didn’t equate to all the things in her head by a long, long way.

Or the reason why, every once in a blue moon, she panicked and pushed Pete away during sex. Pushed him so hard he fell to the floor. Why eventually she would do the same one night with Andy.

But not now, now tonight because he was too good to her, to her body.

Tomorrow, when he had finished making her scream, when she could get his eyes and lips off her breasts long enough, she would break it off. Say goodbye and change banks. Maybe.

Or maybe she could hold out for another month. Another month of sex because the feel of him moving inside her, his body on top of her, a body she now knew pretty well. She knew she’d miss those little pants and grunts in her ear for a little while but at the same time she knew she would forget about them, about him eventually. Even if he did call her Sam and not ‘Samantha’ like all her one night stands.

Though she couldn’t help but call him Andrew in bed, it made him blush, which was hard to tell at the time but he didn’t mind.

All these little things, his body, his voice, the way he ordered Chinese food for her and how his pronunciation was always perfect,. The way she felt about him but not about the relationship all added up and she wondered, briefly, if she could hold onto Andy for longer than another month. Longer than she thought she could but a little stab of pain that was Pete’s face reminded her of the tension that had surfaced between them just a few hours ago.

She knew it would never go away, fade away because unless he was saving the world tomorrow he’d never understand.